I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
