I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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