The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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