You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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