i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
