someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
