I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
