What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
