I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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