her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Michael Bay diarrhea
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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