A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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