U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
