Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
