Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She needs sedatives and a leash
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
