Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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