I CAN MOONWALK!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
