i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
