was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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