nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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