Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
