my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
