i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
