home. puking in laundry basket.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
