i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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