when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
