im drinking this country out of the recession.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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