In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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