So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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