I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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