The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
