there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He shit in the fireplace
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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