I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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