dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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