I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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