What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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