I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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