im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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