the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
