She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
