im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
