She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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