i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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