I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
