next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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