Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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