she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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