If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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