it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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