pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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