What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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