just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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