I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
