went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
