Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
