They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
