upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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